Crack Stories of Old, The Dark Lord
by Eques Pirate
Summary: Two crack stories revolving around Voldemort.  Voldemort was simply too petulent to share on the other Crack fic that I put up.  Includes Voldemort's rendition of a very AU death, and a letter to Harry Potter.  2006-2007.
1. The Boy Who Just Wouldn't Die

Author's Note: Recently, I began the "Pimp my Profile" movement to improve what I have posted on this site, revisit what I had written quite some time ago, and see what I should take down completely. I found that while I wanted to take down these crack fics, at the same time I didn't want them to die. Thus, I decided to re-upload them as a single story, and to fix the punctuation/grammar mistakes I made as a wee-little high school freshman. After the release of HP7, some of them have become AU; I debated making them fit into the cannon, but decided against it. This is what I wrote at that point in my life, and that is how it will stay...you know, except for the punctuation that makes me cringe when I think about it. These are the crack stories that focus around Voldemort.

_**August 8, 2006**_

_**The Boy Who Just Wouldn't Die**_

"Your aim seems to have gotten worse, Moldy Shorts. How do you expect to kill me if you can't even hit me?" Harry Potter mocked me from afar, too scared to come nearer I was quite sure.

"I don't need good aim to kill you, Potter! You're so slow, a turtle passed you while you were running away from me!" I shouted at him in rage.

"Well, yo mama so fat she…uhh…I can't remember the joke…can we just skip to the part where you keep trying to kill me and then I somehow get luckier than beyond belief and escape?" the boy asked. I could see he was trying to cover up the horrible "yo mama" incident.

"Fine, Potter," I said, being the kind person that I was. "Should I give you a head start?"

"Yeah, that would be great!" exclaimed Potter.

"Too bad!" I shouted and I sent a curse flying at him. Unfortunately, it missed, but that does not mean that I have bad aim!

At that moment, Potter sent a curse flying at me, which I believe was a stunning spell, but I couldn't be sure, so I dodged. Right after I did so, another came flying at me from behind. How rude! I shielded myself against it before it could make contact, and looked up to see who it was that had sent it.

I saw Snape.

He was standing there, his wand just there in his hand, looking scary as he always does and said to me, "I apologize, my Lord, but I am defecting once and for all." He did not look sorry.

"Why on earth would you want to do that?" I demanded. Rage was coursing through me.

"I—" but before he could finish, he was stunned by one of the Order members that lay fallen among the rubble we had created in this battle. It seemed they had not heard him mention he was fighting with them.

Potter was starring at the fallen Snape, transfixed. He had a gleam in his eyes that clearly shouted: "Yes! He's dead/hurt!" I took my chance before he could snap out of it.

"_Avada Kedavera!_" I shouted, sending the spell flying at him.

He looked up just in time to see it hit him, and as I smirked in triumph, watching him fall to the ground, but then, I saw the curse I myself had sent flying back at me! Potter was slowing standing up, grinning.

"NO!" I shouted right before the curse made contact with my head. "And that is how I ended up here. It's all because of the boy who just wouldn't die."

"Yeah, that's great, but are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you murdered and tortured countless people, and that you desecrated your own soul?"

"Yes, I'm quite sure!"

"Well, in that case, welcome to Hell!"

_**The End**_


	2. The Dark Lord's Letter

_**January 30, 2007**_

_**The Dark Lord's Letter**_

Dear Potter,

I—The Dark Lord Voldemort, soon to be Master of the world—would like to impose on you some simple facts of life that you may or may not have already known. I am going to murder you. That is fact number one. If you have a problem with this, please contact me by owl and perhaps we could talk it out…Wait, no! We can't talk it out because I am going to kill you one way or the other! Ha! Too bad, you would have made a great edition to my Death Eaters; however we may have had to make you taller. A short Death Eater just isn't scary like it used to be…

My second fact of life for you is that you are an insufferable brat. You are ignorant and just living off of pure luck and others whom are greater than you (though not greater than me). For example: The only reason you survived my first attack on you when you were just a small baby—which by the way is not a sign of weakness on my part; it is a sign of intelligence—was because of your foolish mudblood mother. Had she not been there, I wouldn't even be writing this wonderful work of art that is a letter. The only reason you survived the ordeal with the Philosopher's Stone was because the muggle loving fool showed up and my servant was a pathetic excuse for one!

With the Chamber of Secrets—yes, I heard all about this—you would have died in minutes had it not been for that bird and the hat. Again, it traces back to that Muggle loving fool you call a head master, excuse me—_called_ a headmaster, because I killed him too, remember? It doesn't matter that Snape did the dirty work; it was still all my doing. I don't believe I did anything of sheer importance in your third year…of course you most likely still had nightmares about me to which I say "HA!"

Then the year of my return…Ah, what a year that was! I remember it so well…had it not been for luck that year; you would have never seen Hogwarts again! But, you see, I have traced back to the person responsible for your escape that time as well. If it had not been for Olivander, you know, that wand maker I captured spectacularly, you would have never escaped. Let me spell it out for your feeble little head. If you had been given a different wand, then you would be dead. Unfortunately, it is obvious that Olivander foresaw this and thought ahead.

And last year, well, that one is fairly obvious—Dumbledore is the one who made it so you would live yet again. Too bad he's dead now, so you're pretty much a corpse already. I'd give it about a week before you finally snap and just kill yourself anyway…although then I wouldn't have the pleasure of doing it myself so for the love of all that is evil (me) don't kill yourself!

Fact number three: You're short. I believe that I have already covered this area before my long and well written explanation of why exactly you're not dead as of today, but it is an important fact of life. I tower over and that makes me better than you. Heck, it makes your blood-traitor friend better than you! What is he, almost as tall as me? Perhaps I should ask him to join my ranks. Anyone that tall must be evil in some way!

Now pay attention to fact number four; you must go back to Ginny Weasley. Since you're never going to get laid, you might as well just go with the only person on this entire earth that would be willing to do it. Except for perhaps Draco Malfoy…he's always seemed a bit off, haven't you noticed? I shall have to ask him about that…

Now, my final word of advice is to put up a fight. I have discovered the joys of a Muggle video camera, and hope to make a record of our last battle. Put up a good show and I might let you live long enough for me to sell a copy of it to a film company and make millions off of it. If I buy the planet, I won't have to trouble with taking it over by force. If that happens, I would have much more time to just torture the world and reform it into my own. So I shall say it again: NO KILLING YOURSELF. It will be much better for all of us, and if you don't do it, I shall make a plush doll of you after I take over the world and sell them to people after I kill you. Anyone who buys them without buying one of me to recreate the battle will die!

I do hope that you take these facts into consideration before you die. Perhaps you should go on a vacation to Spain…I've heard that it's just beautiful this time of year.

The Dark Lord and soon to be Master of the World,

Lord Voldemort

P.S. Do you know anyone that might be interested in me? I need a queen for my new world order.

_**The End**_


End file.
